Friday, February 3, 2012
It's a quiet moment at my house...a moment I am sure will be gone faster than I can even imagine. I should be working through my "to do" list, accomplishing the things that are giving me grief around the house. Lucy informed me this morning that when she hid behind the door she got some dust stuck to her foot "So we better dust up there soon Mommy!" Don't worry Lucy, washing floors upstairs is on that long "to do" list.
Here's the thing. It convicted me...it really convicted me. But, not for the reason you may think. I didn't feel convicted to clean more...I felt convicted for feeling like I don't do enough.
Lately I've been researching curriculum for us to use next year. I like what we're doing this year, but I don't love it, and it's one of the most expensive options out there. If I'm going to fork out the money, I want to LOVE what we're using everyday. Lately Lucy's been a ball of energy, needing constant attention, needing direction in her school and play. Lately I've been thinking "wouldn't it just be easier to send her to school next year".
I knew I would have these thoughts, I knew this year would be hard. I knew I would second guess my decisions. Which is why when we started this journey we committed to a minimum two year trial period. Just a few weeks ago I was in love with homeschooling and couldn't imagine our lives any other way. Then I hurt my neck, Murray got a cold, I got a cold,Ginny got a cold....and Lucy got uncontrollable energy.
This morning when Lucy found a dust bunny the size of Texas behind the door while I changed a diaper I went on and on to her about all the things on our "to do" list and how there was only so much time in a day. She wants to help me wash the floors...I'm happy to have her help. In the midst of this, my mind wandered...to what it would be like if she was at school while Murray was a preschool and Ginny possibly took a morning nap (even a short one)...what would my world be like. Imagine what I could get done!
and then it hit me...get what done? for what purpose? What's the point of picking toys up off the floors if there's no one to pull them out to play with them? What's the point of organizing the craft cabinet if there's no time for Lucy to delve in and be creative? and who really cares if all of the recycling makes it out to the bins when really it being used for crafts and activities and "super cool building things" is probably way more important than taking it to the dump (and let's be honest...it will sit in the garage for a month anyway).
So, here I am...still purging my house...still working my way through those chores and "to do" lists. But with a bit of conviction...a bit of thankfulness that there's a painted spaghetti sauce jar and paint tubs out in the dining room, because it means a little girl was there...and puzzle pieces strewn throughout the living room means a little boy is learning spacial awareness...and don't even get me started on the pile of clothes sitting by the top of the stairs...that means my baby girl is growing again...
One day these messes will be gone, and I will miss them. So I won't trade the energy, the noise and the mess in my house for anything...but I will try to organize a bit more...because, well...that's what I enjoy! Maybe one day my kids will go on some wonderful adventure for a week and I'll get my house set all perfect and get to enjoy a toy free moment to sit down, look around and realize I like it a lot more when they're here!